Your refusal to engage is killing us
tHE hARD tRUTH ABOUT What NO-CONTACT, CANCELLING YOUR FRIENDS/FAMILY, AND THE FULL DISENGAGEMENT FROM aNYONE WHO HASN’T GOTTEN ON BOARD WITH YOUR SAME BELIEFS — is doing to the most vulnerable
“It’s just pure stupidity,” someone close to me says as they deride the transphobia spewing from the Conservative Right. I sit and observe their righteous anger and can selfishly appreciate that they agree with my beliefs about gender. However, as the general appreciation for shared values fades — something else replaces it. Perhaps this person has blocked it out of their memory, but their response to me coming out as transgender is seared into my mind. They were not initially 100% on board. They didn’t greet me with fully open arms and affirmation. They didn’t celebrate me being transgender.
It took them months to accept that this was who I am. It took them articles, proof backed by professionals, tears, anger, and it took a great deal of my emotional labor. Labor that I put in because I didn’t want to believe that I had to lose everyone just to be myself. Labor that I put in because I knew that it even took me years to understand & accept myself. Suddenly the crux of my mood shift became clear — “why do all of these cisgender allies in my life get to indignantly complain and belittle other cisgender people who don’t understand transgender identities and acceptance when I gave them grace, leeway, patience, education, and firm but loving relational asks when they all said similar things to my face rather than on TV or from Congress?”
I began to wonder, did everyone just block out their casual and overt transphobia from 2013? Does no one remember telling me that using new pronouns would just be too hard? Does anyone remember telling me trans people exist but that I’m “not trans” because I’m actually just probably unhappy that I’m fat? Does anyone remember telling me that transitioning was causing too much discomfort for others? Does no one in my life remember telling me that I needed to not swim at my Senior Party because I would make other kids uncomfortable? Does no one who went to high school with me remember the horrible things that people said about me doing the senior graduation speech & centering it on my transgender identity? Does no one remember bullying me off the baseball team? Or the anonymous posts made online mocking me?
People who participated in all of these actions & beliefs are still in my life & have since changed. They now post angry invitations to unfriend them over trans issues. I don’t bring up their past sins because they have learned, turned from that behavior, and changed. I didn’t cancel them or cut them out because if I had done so, I would have lost everything. I chose to engage so that I could restore meaningful friendships, communities, hobbies, and remain as part of my family.
When I read the posts of cisgender people declaring that they would like to be free of anyone transphobic in their life, I think “What a privilege.” What a privilege it is to just declare that you shall no longer speak to those who disagree with your politics. What a privilege to box yourself in and have no need to rely on or engage in broader networks and systems than your own echo-chamber of political righteousness. I didn’t have a choice when I was 15 and coming out. I was vulnerable and dependent.
I needed to teach other people how to love me so that I could thrive and be loved.
Cisgender ally refusal to engage their cisgender peers is contributing as much to the crushing weight of fear & hopelessness as the mass transphobia is — if not more. In the early 2010’s, I volunteered regularly as a canvasser & door knocker for the Vote No campaign in MN. This was a campaign aimed at preventing the Republican Party from passing a ballot measure that would enshrine a ban on same sex marriage into the state constitution. Several states had already successfully passed these measures. The leaders of this campaign knew that the only way to move voters was through story telling & meeting people where they were. I was trained to listen & inquire about people’s values, beliefs, fears, hopes, concerns, etc. and to take them seriously. I was NOT to argue or try to explain how wrong they were. I was just meant to listen and respond to their fears & concerns. I was trained to connect where our values and beliefs match. I was trained to engage & have difficult conversations with people I didn’t agree with and didn’t even know. This campaign experience is one that I’m not sure could be replicated in our ultra-polarized culture over a decade later. However, this campaign informed my posture in our current moment.
I saw so many people change their minds from voting “yes” on the ballot measure to “no” because they connected with me 1-1 as a human. I didn’t change their theology or their beliefs but I opened their eyes to the greater impact they would have on a person that did indeed share some of their values, beliefs, hopes, and fears. They felt heard and as a result, they were willing to hear me. They felt seen and as a result, they saw me.
The only way I see out of this deep sea of mass transphobia is more relationship, more engagement, more conversations, more compassion, and more empathy. Not more self-righteousness. Not more echo-chambers. Not more denial that any of us have ever thought the same thoughts or believed the same beliefs as those that we now call enemy.
Everyone is certainly entitled to handle conflict and difference of belief in their own lives. But I can’t go on pretending I feel supported or honored by it. If trans people are all eradicated or made to hide, it will not solely be the conservative gender values that push this into reality. It will also be trans affirming people who refused to do the hard heart work necessary to help others experience the heart change that they have. It will also be the liberals who have always held a superiority complex over conservatives. It will also be people belittling and making fun of people who don’t understand gender diversity. It will be my likeminded peers who contribute to making my future unlivable.
If my cisgender peers are unwilling and unable to engage their friends, family, and communities then who else is left to do this work? Either nobody or trans people. Right now, it’s mostly trans people putting their necks on the line and entering into unknown & hostile places to advocate for ourselves and our community. This subsequently burns us out. The feeling that we will never be able to get enough people to accept us. The feeling that it’s entirely our responsibility. The feeling that there’s no hope for a more trans affirming future because we’re not safe enough to engage anymore but neither do we see anyone else engaging transphobia on our behalf. This created sense of hopelessness is killing us. Transphobia is certainly killing us. Loudly & publicly. But the feeling that we’re supposed to either wait for all transphobic people to magically disappear or independently change their minds? I’d imagine that’s a killer too.
If my trans ass can sit down and have uncomfortable & difficult conversations with strangers & loved ones about my gender experience, my expression, my past, my psychology, my theology, my body, etc. then I think you can sit through explaining pronouns to your aunt. I think you can sit through a conversation where you entertain the concerns your mom has about bathroom safety. I think you can describe your own path to changing your mind. I think you can put a little emotional labor out into the world. I’ve had to do it almost daily since I was 15.
If you want to be in solidarity with trans people. Stop passing the buck back to us.
